There are 55 days, 1 prelim, 2 finals, and 4 pretty huge projects standing between me and graduation. That’s it.

I’ve been trying to put up a brave face these last few weeks, but truth is, despite all of my counting down and desperate squinting to find the light at the end of the tunnel, as that light grows brighter, I’m getting more and more freaked out about leaving here!

It’s not that I’m scared of going into the “real world” or anything like that. It’s more that I’m scared that I won’t have accomplished everything that I wanted to do in college or that I’ll have found something I really enjoyed or would be interested in when it’s too late. All of a sudden four years just doesn’t seem like long enough. I still have so much to learn and there are still so many things that I want to try, so many classes I want to take, so many people I’m not ready to leave.

On the one hand, I can’t wait to get back out to the West Coast – to reunite with some friends who are already out there, to get myself an apartment, and get this next chapter of my life started already. But, on the other hand, I don’t know that I’m completely ready to let go what very little is left of my “childhood.” Or, I guess it’s probably “pre-real-adult-hood.”

Every once in a while it just sort of smacks me in the face – I’m almost done with college. It feels like yesterday that I was sitting in my high school graduation rehearsal. These four years have gone by in a snap. It’s like I took a quick nap sometime during freshman year and when I woke up here I am smack dab in the middle of my last semester of college. Where the heck did the time go?

I think that most people my age count life in years that go from September – August instead of January – December, and “chapters” are counted in four-year blocks. I can’t think of a time where things weren’t divided into four-year (or even fewer) segments. High school, college, even the way my grammar school years ended up being divided – everything had a definite beginning and ending. I think the thing that’s freaking me out the most about what happens 56 days from now. It’s that there is no clear end. There’s no clear finish line. There’s nothing to countdown to. It’s just the rest of my life. It’s really no small order.

It has me thinking of what I actually want to do with my life. What do I want to be? What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I’m not a huge fan of jumping out into the abyss with no idea of what’s ahead. I’m a planner. I like to at least have some sort of “big picture” goal in mind, even if it’s not all that defined. I’d rather go in to a situation with a purpose, with a finish line. I feel like I don’t have one right now and that’s really throwing me for a loop.

So now all of a sudden the “only 55 days” has turned into “just 55 days.” Hopefully these 55 days will give me some time to get my act together, to figure some things out and to either develop some sort of plan or come to terms with the unknown. Let’s hope that 1 prelim, 2 finals, and 4 projects don’t get in the way.